Friday, December 10, 2010

christmas tears

so it finally decided to snow more than a centimeter last night. so when i woke up this morning and saw it all, i figured what a perfect time to listen to some christmas songs. so i grab my computer, open itunes and start playing all the christmas songs i have.....which is actually a lot. A few songs go by, and im just laying in bed listening and surfing the web when this song comes on......

.......and i start sobbing. literally crying like a baby. some nearly naked 19 year old gay kid laying in bed crying his eyes out over the christmas song. I cried the for the entire song. and im not really sure why. every christmas since i can remember, this song has been there. does this happen to anyone else? its the first time its ever happened. well except the first time i heard the schindlers list music after i first saw it.

also heres a question for my gay readers. lets say in the near future they come up with a cure for being gay. you would take a pill and boom, you would no longer find the same sex attractive, and suddenly the opposite sex looks fuckable. if they came out with a pill like that, would u take it? ill tell u my answer after i hear some of yours. incentive to comment.

in another note, im so fucking sick of being single. im tired of waking up in the morning and not seeing a boy laying next to me. its getting to be very frustrating. and it would be so nice to have a boyfriend for the holidays. we could listen to christmas music, drink hot chocolate, cuddle up by the fire. i guess im not so lucky.

anyway, today feels like a lazy one. better get started.


  1. It happens. For no reason that we are aware of, something touches something unconscious in us, and the tears flow.

    One time, over 40 years ago, I was listening to Beethoven's Piano Concerto No. 5 (the "Emperor Concerto"), — — and at some point during the slow movement, I started to have a flow of tears. (The recording I've linked may be the one I was listening to back then. As I was listening just now, at about 3:04, my eyes began to water. BTW, the movement actually ends at 7:31. When the music shifts down a note, that is the beginning of the third movement.)

    So, yeah, music can and does affect people the way the Christmas song affected you.

    As for being alone — loneliness is sad, to be sure. But if you don't want to feel sad, you can try a few things. Remind yourself that you're not alone: lots of 19 year olds, both gay and straight, don't have a bf/gf waking up in bed with them. Beyond that, as the song from when I was in school said, "You can't hurry love." I think it would be a mistake to let yourself become so obsessed or desperate for someone *now!* that you jump into a relationship. Also, try not to dwell on being alone. Have things to do and to think about, so that this won't always be on your mind, and so you can turn your attention to something else if you start to get upset about it.

    Above all, patience.

  2. So with music-- absolutely there are times where music unexpectedly and profoundly overwhelms me with emotion. I actually love this- because its amazing and profound and wonderful. I don't think everyone experiences music like this actually, and I feel sorry for those that don't. I would guess its part "connecting" with music and part "allowing" yourself to feel something so much. Like (and I realize I sound nuts right now) -- but I think probably because of "masculine machismo" we arent _supposed_ to feel emotion and cry, etc. so we convince ourselves not to and then feel weird and ashamed when we can't help it. All that is complete bullshit to me-- Im going to feel what I want and experience what I want, regardless if it is "masculine" or not. Anyways this is a big subject for me because music is such a big deal for me.

    That christmas song is fucking amazing-- Its one of my favs, and always reminds me of christmas as a little kid with my parents on christmas eve. Its always been powerful for me. Thanks for reminding me.

    Re gay question: im attracted to women and men sexually. I seem to "attach" to men and not women and thus I call myself gay. I dont really care about the labels etc., but at the same time, it definitely is harder for me (with my family, socio-economic standing, work, etc.) for me to have a gay relationship over a straight relationship. I have had thoughts about having a straight relationship before if your asking if i could take a pill and not have gay feelins...hmm...i dont think i would take it. I have defined a big part of my life, personality, etc. around gay friends and gay culture-- it doesnt define me, but its a part of my life, and I like the sense of community. So nah-- Id keep it the way it is.

    Lastly (long comment!) I get the boyfriend feelings- and Im sorry you dont have that companionship. The things you talk about-- drnking hot choc, sitting by a fire, etc. those are the things I want out of a relationship myself. Its a shame there isn't a "rent-a-boyfriend" store where you can check one out for a few months and return them when youre done :p I dont think I want one more than a few weeks maybe...too busy....but I would like someone to wake up next to when its all cold outside ;-)

    Much Love,

  3. p.s. I like that you threw in "nearly naked" in your description... you tease :p

  4. I would not take the pill because women suck, to put it plainly.

  5. I defo agree with Steve and what he said about the music thing. There are a bunch of songs that just strike me deep down inside and put that reaction. And nat king cole's version of that song is my favorite christmas song.

    The gay pill? I wouldn't take it. I am what I am. I dont fit in a label and I'm fine with that. At this point I'm finally accepted who I am, so why change that?

    And hang in there on the bf thing. I'm in the same situation as you right now, and I dont really like it either, but it is what it is. Don't rush into anything cause then it wont work out in the end.

    Good luck with everything :)


  6. First in regards to the "gay pill" I would defiantly not take it. While it would make the opposite sex more attractive, I do not think that I would be happy with the life style I would have to lead then. Because I feel that in changing who I like I would have to change little things about me. Not that straight people behave necessarily different, but there would be things that I would not be able to do that make me happy. And I am certainly not unhappy in ANY way now.

    Second, I listened to the song, and I forgot how much I really liked that song so I bought it.... haha... but to the fact that you cried during it palying, I believe that I can understand that because had I been in a different frame of mind when I listened to it, e.g. when i just get up, I do think I would be able to allow tears to flow freely.

    As for the boyfriend thing, it is funny to me to think you need someone that bad. Now don't get me wrong having someone there is also *nicer* however in the absence you should remain strong and open to any possibility that should come your way.

  7. I feel the same way about christmas songs too, they just make me feel sad somehow, maybe sentimental is the word. As much as it feels commercialised at times, it still manages to touch me inside, music just have the power to move people in ways we can't imagine.

    As for the pill, I won't take it :) I just love boys too much maybe, even tho I may be single now and not having felt what it's like to have someone with me, but I know it must be amazing. The pill might make me "normal" and it might make life easier for me, but it doesn't mean that all that will make me happy, or make my life any better than it can be the person I am now.

    PS: tho i really would be interested in a pill that make people gay =X hee..

    PSS: oh and i do needa mention that i love the song "My Only Wish" by Britney Spears, the lyrics are really beautiful (tho it does make me cry sometimes..) the line "he will be all i hope in a big red bow" somehow brings a naughty image of a nekkid boy wearing red ribbon lol ><


  8. Oh Dan... Mexico is always waiting, and though I might not be able to join you immediately (it takes a bit of time to settle my affairs) you know I'd be there eventually.

    You know my answers on other things.

    Anyhow, get on msn, I'll be waiting ;)

  9. The one that gets my tear ducts in overdrive is "Viðrar vel til loftárása" by Sigur Rós. I had to keep the sound off just now when I was searching for the video, otherwise I'd be blubbering. I can't even listen to the song on the album without crying now, after watching the video so many times. It's not a Christmas song, but the video should resonate with most folks here.

    As for the ex-gay pill? No way! It's such an integral part of me, changing it would probably change everything else, as well. Also, from a purely physical angle, gay sex is way better than straight sex. Of course, I may be biased (but I've experienced both, and one is infinitely more satisfying).

  10. lol leave it to Steve to point out the "nearly naked" part of your post lol though nice visual to think about

    Hmm can't say I have ever had the affect with a song myself.

    You know my roommate he asked me the same question (he's straight) and I've had this question with a good friend of mine and honestly I can't say.

    Making me straight again would make things easier in my life with dealing with parents and the rest of my family but it was also pointed out to me that the only reason I feel that way is b/c I'm stuck in the closet and that if I wasn't in the closet that I would be happy with being gay.

    On the flip side (this is just me mind you) based on my personality I would find getting a bf easier then getting a g/f so that's a reason to stay gay. Plus idk I like looking at guys more then women and guys relate better then women

    The irony of all this is that I've always had women hit on me (not often just once a month) and it's like "hmm now why can't you be a guy?"

    Take Care

  11. There's so many songs out there that make me emotional ! This song deff. is one, I like this song a lot ! If you go to my website, there's another Christmas song I posted, that I think is one of the strongest and deepest Christmas songs out there !

    As for the pill, I'm a straight person, so I wouldn't take it regardless, but I'd say, if I was gay, I wouldn't think I'd take it, because isn't that what makes you happy? the same sex?

    Well you can't call yourself unlucky, your time will come when you get that special someone, just have to wait it out. *good things come to those who wait* ! :)

  12. I am going to say YES- I would take the pill if it was for real. I find being gay more annoying than anything else. I dont get much hate- well any hate really but I get the "token gay" thing a lot and some times when i go out and especially when Im around drunk people I feel like Im some animal in a zoo- no thats not right- like Im someones pet that they have take out for a walk and EVERYONE loves it and wants to pat it and wants to have a pet just like it. Im getting kind of tired with it all!

    Also dont feel like youre missing out on too much i had total date disaster on Sunday- I dunno how tyo make one of those clicky things but heres the link- have a read its guaranteed to make you feel better about being single!

  13. Took me until I was 40 to finally come out as gay. That's when I was 'cured', not the other way around.

    Remember the words of the iconic Quentin Crisp when going to the US for the first time. He was asked by the immigration officer if he was a practising homosexual.

    His reply: "Practising??!! I'm perfect!!"