Monday, August 31, 2009

love triangle?

ok so before i get to the love triangle explanation, some other things first.

So my really good friend james who left for college 2 weeks ago came home on saturday. it was good to see him. we hung out for a good long while, and saw inglourious basterds. It was my fourth time =) But i did notice something. James was kinda acting differently, like he was some bad ass or something. and he kept talking about how he was hooking up with all these 'chicks' in college. idk he seemed different.

so on to this love triangle. So yesterday, a bunch of people went to see inglourious basterds, me being one of them, and tyler also being one of them. he had never seen it, and it was my fifth time(still amazing). i didnt sit by him, but he did fall asleep, which pissed me off a little, cause the movie is fantastic. but he has a weird taste in movies. idk. so for some of the movie i was like thinking reason why he would be a bad boyfriend, and then thinking of reasons that would make him a good boyfriend. haha it was kinda fun. in the end tho i think hed be a good boyfriend. So anyway, with us at the movie was this girl, Dylan, who i only met like 2 weeks ago and is a really good friend with tyler. shes awesome and i wish i had met her sooner, but i think she likes me. she sat next to me at the movie, and after the movie we went to erics house, she sat next to me there to, and her feet were like almost touching me. and then after we all left at 2 in the morning, we texted for like 30 minutes about music and gameshows. haha. i really like her as a friend, but i mean, im gay. so it doesnt really work. (she doesnt know btw)

so yea she likes me, i like tyler, and tyler is best friends with her. so its kinda a love triangle. idk haha.

wel thats it for me. im off to college tomorrow and i gotta pack all day. fun.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

well, sure

well the movie was fantastic. its even better the third time. but no tyler. he couldnt go for some stupid reason. had to re-organize his room or somethin. idk.

So yesterday i went college shopping with my 3 friends who are all going to the same college as me. ones actually my room mate. i didnt buy anything, but i had a lot of fun. then latter last night i hooked up with a really old friend and we went to some kids house and 4 of us played beer pong. i was killing it. it was just amazing how well i was playing. And after a while, people started taking their clothes off and i saw some nice bodies. =) woke up at like 9, an hour before everyone, and just daydreamed. had a good little thought about making out with aaron when he was drunk that one night. had a good one with tyler where i show up where he works and hes behind the counter and i say "hey babe" and lean over the counter and we kiss. i like that one a lot cause its like were boyfriends hehe =)

so im not sure about my current mood and why im so happy. its nice tho. think i might see if tyler wants to go out to dinner or somethin. we'll see.

and before i go, i just wanted to send a special thanks to Planetx_123, or steve, at Lions, Tigers, and Science... oh my! he always gives really great advise and his comments are always very well written and just really good. so thanks steve!

Thursday, August 27, 2009

return of tyler?

so after my depressing day on tuesday, i woke up on wednesday and i didnt feel much better. i got up at 830 and went to one of my friends house to see him off to college. he was one of my closest friends, and it was no fun saying goodbye. then, once he left, i went to another really close friends house and saw him off too. two of my best friends gone in the same day. it sucked big time. once he was gone, i met the only other friends i have left at the mall and we walked around and bought some lunch. i was there but not really there, if that makes sense. so i came home and got in bed and just stared at the celling. aaron kept popping in my head, and i didnt like that at all. i miss him a lot.
i thought a lot about shit. i even thought about shutting down my blog, and i was really considering it. it was just no good. then, after a while, i fell asleep. i woke up about an our later, and then hoped in the shower. as i was washing my hair i looked down at my chest and i saw this like strand of shampoo running down and it reminded me of blood. and it really got me thinking about life, and how its not worth it to just waste life on feeling depressed and feeling sad. and it made me feel.....much better. i also realized that theres no way i can just stop this blog. i love writing in it to much. and i love all my followers and commenters. so thats not gonna happen.
So i got out of the shower and went and got some dinner and just enjoyed it. i wasnt upset anymore. i was happy. it was kinda weird.

so at about 700 i got a text from my friend eric and he told me there was this movie party thing going on at his house and i should show up at 8. of corse i wanted to go, so i did. i got there and and we waited for everyone to arrive, and who shows up? tyler. i was kinda pleasantly surprised. so he cam over and sat down next to me on the couch. he wasnt like next next, but he was on the same couch. so we talked a while and when everyone showed up we started the movie. we watched trainspotting. it was pretty good. so after the movie we just talked a while and people slowly started leaving, and it ended up just be me, tyler and eric. we talked for a long time. i definatly feel like me and tyler and getting to know each other better. and i think, maybe, he likes me. idk. it was good to get aaron out of my head, and tyler always seems to do a good job of doing that. but he was talking about how he hadnt been sexually active in a long time, which kinda made me feel.....weird. idk. i didnt like thinking of him getting more action than me. whatevs. so he left at like 3 in the morning and i left soon after. The three of us made plans to get dinner and see a movie tonight. so im excited. were seeing inglorious basterds. itll be the third time seeing it for me. its soooooooo good.

anyway, sorry for the long post. its kinda a weird one. o well. thanks for reading.

Monday, August 24, 2009


im rarely depressed. like almost never. but right now, im feeling really down. like, all my friends are either gone or busy getting ready to go. im just stuck at home, doing nothing, and counting down the days. it sucks. so earlier i was just so sick of being at home, that i jumped in my moms car and just drove. i rolled all the windows down, picked my depressing song playlist on my ipod, and drove. i went around to all the houses of my friends who had left. it was just....blah. i stopped and got some ice cream, and went down by the river and just sat there for a good while. i thought a lot. about friends, about next year, about my parents, and even about tyler. idk. this really sucks.

heres some songs i like when im depressed.

im gonna go to bed. sleep this thing off.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

quick update

so im in a hurry so i have to make this quick.

aaron left tuesday and i missed him, so i called him up. we ended up talking about tyler for a long time. it was kinda weird at first, cause i mean, talking to the boy i loved for 4 years about other guys just felt odd. but after a while it was easy. he said it was really stupid to start something with only 10 days left, and i agreed. then i talked to another friend about the whole thing and he said the same thing.

so i didnt ask him out. but, i am gonna talk to him. next time i get the chance, im gonna tell him im gay and that i would have liked to go out on a date, but time kinda fucked it up. that way, maybe next summer we can go out. idk.

ok thats it. later.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

worth it?

so i just got back from up north. i had a really fun time. we did a bunch of shit. but while i was up there i did a lot of thinking about tyler. and i kept coming to the same question. is it worth it? is it worth asking him out even tho i have 11 days left in town? is 11 days enough to start a relationship?

so i begging you all. PLEASE give your most honest opinion. Im really into this boy, and i dont want to like fuck it up or whatevs. so please, let me know.

Monday, August 17, 2009


ok so heres what happened. i was gonna hang out with my two friends and tyler again to watch a movie. but when i got there, there were more people. there was like 7 of us. so it was more tylers friends than mine, and he wasnt the same. he was just being kind of a douche. and it really made me upset. but everytime i would look over at him, would just be like, who cares? idk it was weird. so we hung out for a long time and we all ended up outside sitting in a circle and like talking. at one point, tyler brought up the show queer as folk, and i was like, ive seen that. and we talked about it for a while. he said he thought charlie hunnam was cute and i kinda just nodded when i should have said yes he is. so then everyone decided to go and i said my goodbyes and tyler was looking at me like he was expecting me to say something or like he was gonna say somethin to me. but nothin happened. i went home and the minute i got there i started to regret not asking him out. fuck.

i really like him, even if he can be a douche. and really, who isnt a douche when their with friends.

im gonna ask him out. I SWEAR!!!! i might call him while im up here. but before i do it, i wanna figure out exactly what im gonna say, so would anyone like to help with that? im gonna write something and u folks can help me fine tune it. if anyone is interested, let me know.

ok im off. later

Sunday, August 16, 2009

todays the day

well todays the day ill be hanging out with tyler. not sure whats gonna happen. like, thinking about it now, im really confident and im sure im gonna ask him out. but when the time actually comes, i know im gonna be really fucking nervous. like, ill be shaking. but i need to do this. i need, if not a boyfriend, at least a gay friend who i can talk about boys with. haha. shit im nervous just thinking about it.

so went to that party last night. it was small and we really didnt do much, but i had fun. got home at around 2 in the morning and went on a nice little bike ride. i love it. everyones asleep and its just u and the night air. i highly recommend. so i got home at like 240 and just laid on my driveway in complete darkness for like 20 mins. i thought a lot about shit. i thought about how i was gonna ask tyler, what im gonna say to aaron when we say our goodbyes. just a lot of shit. and it was nice. i might do it again tonight, depends on what tyler says.

ok i gotta do shit with the fam. later

Saturday, August 15, 2009


so went to a baseball game tonight with some friends. had a fun time. its really kinda amazing that none of them care that im gay. like, wtf. ahah. there was this really cute guy there too. he was like 17, and just amazingly cute. but i did realize something. im really just done with all my friends. like, im so ready for college. im just sick off all the same jokes and all the same stories. its kinda hard to explain. i just want to start over. i want a boyfriend too. really bad. and who knows, maybe ill get one.
so aaron leaves on tuesday, and i leave for a friends lake house on monday, so ill have to say my goodbyes on sunday. im gonna write him a card and give him a kiss on the cheek. im gonna really miss him. weve grown as friends since i was honest with him.

well this was a nice short post. think im going to some party tonight. dont worry tho, im gonna pass on the beer. im getting sick of it.

Friday, August 14, 2009


ok so the other night, went to a friends to watch a movie. there were 4 of us, tyler being one. so the movie ended at like midnight and we were all leaving and on the way to the cars i called over to tyler. i was like "hey tyler, can i talk to u for a sec" and he walked over and was like "yeah?" so im like "i was just wondering if u like, wanted to go get some dinner sometime or maybe go see a movie?" and he looked at me in a weird way and was like "like........on a date?" and im like "...yeah...." and he like, looks around for a second and then asks "are u busy right now?" I felt a smile creep on my face and i respond "not at all" so hes like "wanna get some food?" and of corse i said yes. so we get in my car and we go to taco bell. it was kinda like awkward, but once we got to taco bell and got food, we parked in some parking lot and it got pretty normal. we talked a lot. about life and gay stuff. haha. so weve been talking for an hour and im working up the courage to ask him to come over. (i know, im a whore) so im finally like "so u wanna come over?" and he smiles and say "id love to" so i smile and he starts like leaning in toward me, and im like hell yea, im getting a kiss. so i start to lean toward him and our lips touch, and fireworks. it had been so long since i have kissed someone. so we made out for a while, and then it starts to heat up, and we decide to go to my house. so we sneak in and go to my room, where the making out continues. were like feeling eachother up and stuff, and hw starts pulling my shorts down. im rock hard. and he starts sucking me off. o man, it felt amazing. it had been forever. so hes sucking me off and i want to dick too, so i like pull him in the middle of the bed and like move his dick over my face and get him naked, so we could 69. we did that for a while, and then he stops, gets up, goes over to his wallet, and takes out a condom. haha. he says "i want u to fuck me" so i obviously say yes, and he puts the condom on. it took a few mins to get it in his ass, but once it was in, it was party time. So he was riding me at first, and then i flip him on his back and put his legs on my shoulders. o man, it was amazing. after i blew my load, i pulled out and sucked him off. we cleaned up and cuddled together in bed before falling asleep. we slept in really late and then we got up and went to lunch at like 2. we talked about us and the night before and college. it was really nice. then i took him to his car and he went home. it was the best night ever.

and to think it all could have actually happened if tyler didnt have to work wednesday night. thats right, the little story above never happened. haha im sooo sorry but i had to. i have been fantasizing about me and tyler for a long time and i wanted to write it down. pretty good tho if i do say so myself. haha.

so tyler had work, but we are getting together sunday to watch a movie. thats when im gonna ask him out. sorry again.


Wednesday, August 12, 2009

the whole story

ok so im out. dont feel much different. idk its weird. like, i told them, but know what seems to give a shit. they treat me the exact same way. We all fucking went downtown yesterday like nothing. idk.

So we were all at my house for like this last party before everyone goes off to college. We played a shit load of beer pong and aaron got wasted. haha i snuck in a nice kiss on his cheek and he thanked me. we were all pretty buzzed. aaron wanted to talk to me so we went into my room and he asked if i was going to tell everyone. i was like idk. then he said that he thought my two other friends jon and richard already thought i was. i was kinda freaked out. and i told him i was going to. so we all decided to get in a big circle and like reflect on our friendships and all some shit, and we all agreed to be completely honest. so we were talking and they asked me who i had had a crush on, and i was like "since were being honest, i might as well tell you all that im gay" and they were like " who did u like?" and i was surprised cause i thought they would be more shocked. so i was like "...uh....aaron". they said "ok." then we moved on like nothing ever happened.

so the next day after they all left, i was like wtf. no one fucking cares. no one even brought it up again. then i started wondering if they all forgot about it. idk. its like wtf. and im scared to bring it up again. whatevs.

some of u asked if tyler was there, and i feel like i should remind all of you that i barely know tyler. all my friends barely know tyler. i just know him from another friend. so no, he doesnt know. but i am seeing him tonight, and i think im just gonna go for it and ask him out. maybe to dinner or a movie, or both. idk. this is new for me.

and im tired of seeing all this obama bashing by some people *cough AJ cough* i mean im not a democrat or a republican, but i think hes doing the best he can. considering all the shit he inherited. Im not into politics at all, but i do think we need to ease up off obamas back. hes our president ffs. he has a hard ass job. i just dont think its fair for us to be saying shit about him when hes working hard for our country, whether what hes doing is bad or good.

idk just wanted to get that out. aj, please dont get mad. i love u no matter what u say.


Sunday, August 9, 2009

plugs and big news

some new bloggers out there. please stop by.

A Black Closet Case- Nice guy and a nice blog. Havent talked to him yet, but anyone who emails me has to be cool, right?

Tick, Tick, Boom- nother gay boy from australia. I love me a good aussie. go check him out to.

in other news, i came out to all my friends. yeah i know kinda nuts. more on that later. im tired as fuck.

Saturday, August 8, 2009


well i hung out with some friends last night, and tyler was one of them. but me being me, i fucking wimped out. fuck i hate myself. its like when im alone, all i want to do is tell him and to fucking be with him, but when im actually with him, i stall. ugh.

so it was me and 2 other friends and he came over, and at first it was kinda awkward. like idk. but it got me thinking. hes gay. im gay. i read gay blogs. maybe he does too. and if he does, then maybe hes come across mine. it kinda got me really nervous.
But after a while of playing monopoly, things got normal. we had a great time. At some point he was like "i smell degree deodorant" and im like "i wear degree" and he was like "thats what my ex boyfriend used to wear." haha that made me happy. so we got some food and drove around. we even sat really close on the couch. And he was wearing shorts and his legs just looked soooo yummy. And when i got home, i was in the shower and i was thinking about him, and i involuntarily licked my lips. haha. im falling pretty hard here. kinda scary. Like, porn doesnt even interest me anymore. i cant fucking jack off. its been like 3 days, which is really long for me. fuck.

i mean shit, i BARELY FUCKING KNOW HIM!!!! how can i be sooo hung up on this one boy? and i just cant see myself just up and asking him out. if i knew him better sure, but i mean.....idk. probably just one of my lame excuses.

and another thing. if i was to ask him out, i would more than likely have to come out of the closet. and idk if im ready for that yet. fuck i should be. fuck im such a pussy. idk. life is sooooo fucking hard. fuck fuck fuck.

o well. ill figure it out. and tyler, if u do read this, lemme know. PLEASE!!!! call me or something. eric has my number. text me and say "strange weather isnt it?" that will be our code.

haha if that works, i will be soooo happy.

ok well sorry for that. my mind is not with me tonight. im lost in love.

Thursday, August 6, 2009


wonderful. thats how i feel. well id like a better word to describe how i feel, but i cant think of one. maybe its because its 2 in the morning.

So i got home from a friends house at midnight and it was a really nice night. So i figured id go out on a nice bike ride. So i got on my bike and started biking. It was so calm and nice. I just sorted out the shit in my head. I thought about next year and college and shit. I thought about the shit i needed and if i was prepared. And of corse, I thought about tyler.......a lot. Before i left on my bike ride i read some of the comments on my last post. So on my ride, i sorted through those.
Yes, im out. But to only 1 person(and his dad). Its not the same as being out to everyone. So im not "falling in love at the drop of a hat" with tyler. im not falling in love with him at all. I just have a legit crush.

I'm suppose to hang out with him tonight and I'm really gonna try to at least get his phone number. I really do want to see how far we can take things. I really like him.

I have this feeling deep down that I haven't felt in 4 years. I feel free.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

its never good when..... cant stop thinking about someone. im seriously crushing hard on tyler. it worries me a bit. He was in my dream last night. he was naked. thats all i remember. =)

and the weird thing about this whole 'me trying to fuck tyler' situation is that i barely fucking know him. i know his name and that hes gay, but thats it. how is it possible to have a crush on someone from only being around them during 2 different occasions. i mean fuck! i havent really even had a conversation with him. fuck. i just think it would be weird for me to all of a sudden ask him out. plus, the first date would be totally awkward. AND, were leaving for school in less than a month, and if i start something, i dont want it to only last 20 days.

idk. i just dont fucking know about it. why is this shit so hard.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

problems with operation fuck tyler

so i was thinking about it last night, this whole tyler thing. And well, i really barely know him. How can I go from barely knowing him to fucking his brains out? i mean yea theres a one night stand or a fuck buddy, but i really dont think he would be into that. and i dont think i would either. i want to get to know somebody before i become intimate. So please people, i need advice. im stuck here, and if anyone has anything that could help, i would be grateful.

this whole tyler thing is amazing tho. like, i havent had a crush on a boy in a loooooong time. i really wouldnt call my thing with aaron a crush. i didnt have a crush on him, i was in love with him. and the last 4 years ive been in love with him, and now, finally, i can finally think about another boy for a while. its really nice. this tyler thing is really just.....fantastic. i cant stop thinking about him. i just cant say it enough. like, its soooooooo good to not think about aaron. god its nuts. fuck.

i have a crush. on a boy named tyler.


god im sooooo happy right now.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Operation fuck Tyler

Operation fuck Tyler is in effect!!!

As of right now, I'm doing everything in my power to get in tylers pants. I'm just gonna go for this one. I figure I deserve some ass before I go off to college. I mean I'm cute, he's cute, I'm gay, he's gay. It's perfect.

I'm on my iPod touch so this is gonna be it. Wish me luck on my quest for tylers bubble butt!

Sunday, August 2, 2009

so theres this boy....

his name is tyler. and um....i like him. i like him a lot. =)

ok first some info. my friend eric is friends with tyler. and tyler is gay and out and no one cares. so i rarely ever see tyler, cause hes not really my friend. But occasionally when im at erics, tyler will be there. and then we share some small talk. and after some time, ive kinda developed a crush on him.

So yesterday, i was at erics with two other firends and we decided to go downtown, and tyler was gonna meet us there. so we went and met tyler. after a while of walking around, we got bored and we decided to go back to his house, where i had never been. So we got there and met his parents and the 5 of us sat by his fire pit and just talked. it was fantastic. theres something about having a gay and out boy sitting right there with you and no one caring. like he would occasionally say shit like hes cute and stuff like that, and i really just wanted to say omg he is soooo cute. but of corse i didnt. so i did try to like throw some hints his way, cause being gay, hes gotta have a good gaydar right?

haha anyway, i think i might be hanging out with them again tonight so figures crossed. who knows, maybe ill tell him my little secret. ;)