Tuesday, March 15, 2011


i took a long drive a few nights ago. it was really foggy and really warm. I thought about a lot of things.

1) How different my life would be if aaron became my boyfriend.
2) I cant decide if im actually happy with my life.
3) I sometimes feel like im not really going to amount to anything.
4) I wish all gay boys wore like this rainbow ring around their fingers. make things much easier.
5) what really is the fucking point?

im in a strange mood. i havent felt this completely....useless...in a long time. i feel like i have no control over anything. no matter what, shit will always happen. with or without me. i dont know folks. i really just dont know.........


  1. Hopefully you do get that boy of yours! It is always great to find the one you love!

  2. There is a lot that is beyond your control. Ironically, some of what is beyond your control is what happens as a result of what you do — because the result involves what other people do.

    What you do control is what you do — how you behave in the situations life throws at you. And even if you don't control what other people do afterwards, you do change the situation they find themselves in, and hopefully, that makes what they do better than it would be if you hadn't done what you did.

    Here's an example. You're driving along the street at night and a car comes in the opposite direction with no lights on. You flash your lights. The other driver doesn't have to turn his lights on, but hopefully he will. And maybe, if he does, it makes him visible to another driver who would have plowed into him if his lights were still off.

    Another example. You tell someone, "I love you." The person starts thinking about you a bit differently and eventually a close relationship develops — which never would have happened if you hadn't said that. Of course it's also possible that the other person isn't interested, so nothing happens, or he's homophobic and won't have anything to do with you after you tell him that.

    So you don't control everything in your life, but you affect it.

    And if what you do ever makes things better in some way for somebody else, you're not useless.

  3. youre in a really hard period of life that we all have to get through somehow and find our place and find what motivates us and defines us as people. I dont know what u want to do and what is important to you. Its hard to even think in these terms at this point-- it kind of has to happen naturally. I hope that you find what it is that ur looking for and feel that satisfaction that you want.

    You asked what the point is-- as an atheist i dont believe there is some space god that we have to impress to show off or anything-- but we do leave an impression with the people around us. Our friends and family and the generations that will follow will talk about us and (hopefully) remember us fondly. Our connections with other humans are the things that survive our life here-- and those can matter. The (hopefully) positive influence and last impressions we leave on others...

    So take care and chat with me when u can.



  4. There are many a time where I have to go and think about what the point of stuff is. I never come up with a good answer. All I know is that I have to keep going no matter what. At this point in my life, I have no purpose. I have no goals. I have only me and what I have. I focus on the now and what I am doing.

    Unfortunately for me, my mind slips away from here and I sometimes cry about being single. But I do know that it will get better, eventually. I plan to move to a more gay friendly area. There I should be accepted and I can make awesome gay friends. Yay for dreams!

    Keep on rollin.


  5. We don't know each other, but I follow your blog because I find your posts enjoyable and fun to read. You teach me and I hope you are teaching others. You haven't posted in a while and I was just hoping that you are okay :-)

  6. Hi! It's Sethboyardee here. Sorry to be rude and drop this comment here a bit selfish of me, and completely off subject - but I've recently returned to blog land after being killed by Google and was hoping you could mention me, follow me, and especially link to me.



    Also I will be rebuilding my link list so let me know if I can reciproacte. Thanks again!!

    Have a good one!