and idk. i might be over lee. i know that sounds bad, but idk. i feel like i want something more. something more that he cant give me.
When i met lee, he was the perfect boy. A timid, shy boy who just wanted someone to hold him. And when we started dating, it was perfect. I got to be his knight in shining armor. i was the man of the relationship. it was great. but then i lost it. Something happened when school started that really got to me. I felt this huge feeling of regret and remorse. I felt worthless. I would look at my life and see nothing at all i wanted. There are so many things i wish i would have done differently. i wish i would have stayed on the football team. I wish i would have tried harder in school. I wish i would have accepted my gayness at an earlier age. It was like this huge weight was on my shoulders. i couldnt sleep. i couldnt eat. i lost almost 20 lbs. i was miserable. I kept thinking about how easy it would be to just kill myself. then i wouldnt have to be so miserable all the time. So i decided to change my life. I left school, came home, got a job, and will soon be transfering to a better school where i will get a better degree and then a better job.....hopefully.
and now im basically all better. no more bouts of depression.
but along with my meltdown came a new thirst for boys. im done with the wimpy, girly, shy boys. I want a man. I want to be the shy one. I want to be the timid one. i want a knight in shinning armor. Ive always felt like a gay boy stuck in a straight boys life. i want out. i wanna be the gay boy stuck in a gay boys life.
Im tired of fucking. i just wanna get fucked.
p.s. matts right. its hard to find the desire to write a post when comments are so few and far between. lets go people. I WANT TO HEAR YOUR THOUGHTS!!!!!!
anyway, hope to see u all on msn soon. ive been on the past 3 nights, but no ones on.
Lol, I'd fuck you, where do you live?!
ReplyDeleteDan,
ReplyDeleteIt sounds as if you've spent a lot of time recently figuring out who you are and what you want, and you are ready to move forward in life.
It's not at all unusual for a guy who is struggling to accept being gay to want to be "the man" and seek out "soft" guys to fulfill basically a "manly" version of gay guy .. it's attempting to conform to the role we are conditioned to play as males in a gay context.
You are far from the first teen or college-age guy I've met who thought he was a top only to discover he actually enjoyed the other role far more .. it was just more natural.
I'm not sure if that's where you'll end up, but you should do what is best for you right now. It will suck for Lee, but I think you should try explaining this to him so that he understands you're not being a douche, just that what you want has changed as you've examined your life and gotten over depression (thank goodness for that).
I don't have MSN (I can never get it installed on my mac), but if you have Yahoo or AIM let me know ... or I can e-mail you some time.
Night for you is 4 in the morning for me... so yeah. (I'm on right now btw if you're reading this)
ReplyDeleteAnd the guy above me has it right. Do what you think feels best (just try not to break lee's heart too bad)
Hmm never really thought about it like that, you make an interesting point Dan. I dunno, you sound (well you did drop some minor hints) like you wana move on from Lee which if you want is fine.
ReplyDeleteI'd say wait a while if you still feel that way drive on. When did you leave college btw D:
Well what do you want me to say when all that I want to say has been said?
ReplyDeleteWe're young and still trying to figure out who we want to be with and what we want in life.
I think the best thing for you to do is break-up with Lee WAIT a bit and think things over then slowly find the one you want to be with
Going out with different types of guys at a young age, is wise. It gives you experience to then determine what type of person you want to be with.
ReplyDeleteI say this as I am still trawling through the No pile.
Team Lee.
ReplyDeleteI always said that you were really a bottom boy :-P
ReplyDeleteGlad you have realized that too... lol
Get on MSN weirdo... lets chat...
Dan, idk. You have some more soul searching to do.
ReplyDeletedan i know exactly how you feel about this cos it's how i do too. you feel like you need security and to feel like you can make mistakes and it's okay.. maybe it's just what you are going through now, but well either way it's perfectly natural to feel this way. hugs!
ReplyDeletePsh, here you go being more popular than me again. You can't complain about comments!
ReplyDeleteAnyway, love you, and always here to talk and what not, I'll be in a better mood the next we talk, promise :D
echo the above-- i would continue doing all kinds of different things-- different jobs, different guys, different classes, and keep figuring out what you want to do. I agree that you should just break it off with lee and try not to break his heart too bad. I imagine he'll be pretty upset. But such is life- you experience, learn, and grow. That's what's supposed to happen! You sound like you're doing well, really.
ReplyDeleteMuch Love,
Steve