Tuesday, December 29, 2009

a lot of shit

So yesterday my family had some old family friends over. It was my family, family A and Family B. So three families all together. So heres some history.

Family A: Back when I lived in my other house, I was best friends with logan, who is the son in family A. We were like, tight as fuck. We did everything together. He was the first boy i fooled around with. And a while after that we kinda drifted apart. He went the skateboard punk way and i went the football athlete way. Then when i moved to my current house, which was across town, we basically stopped being friends. This was like, 5 years ago.

Family B: Lauren, my first girlfriend, is the daughter in family B. My parents knew theres a long time ago and then use kids were introduced and yada yada yada. So i dont really remember much, cause i was like 13-14, but we were in Lauren's room and we were fooling around and her dad walked in on us. It was awkward, and i guess i repressed that memory.

Ok so all of the families were together after years of not seeing each other. The parents were all upstairs drinking and having fun, and all the kids were in the basement. It wasnt as awkward as i thought it would be, but i would always think to myself "we did gay shit together" or "her dad walked in on us." And it was just kinda weird. Like, i know they both remember, and im sure they were thinking about it too. And then later in the night all the parents and kids were together and i would look at laurens dad and be like, shit, he knows what we did, what does he think about me?

It was just an interesting evening. Just thought id share that with you.

Another thing that i was thinking about earlier was like how everyone sees me as this kid who plays basketball and football and tries to act all tough and shit, but then when im alone in my room, i drool over naked boys and dream about falling in love. Its like, im living in two different worlds that are always kept apart, and never overlap. But i kinda want them to at some point overlap. I want to be at the mall and have everyone see me as i am, a sports fanatic and manly man, but i want to be there with my boyfriend, holding hands and being all in love. I hope that makes sense. Idk. Im just in a writing mood.

Ok well, i have some checks to cash and some shit to do, so thats all from me. I better get some comments. This thing took me an hour to write.


  1. The thing about wanting both parts to overlap is exactly how I feel. It's like, I don't fit the stereotype, and people see the "straight" side of me, but that's just part of me. I want to also be able to still be the person everyone sees me as, bur also potentially have a boyfriend and not have to hide it.

    It's a weird feeling but I totally get it cuz that's exactly how I feel.

    As for the family friends that were over, I'm like that with one of my friends. We fooled around a lot but then totally stopped cuz he felt weird about it and got a gf. We are still friends and it isn't awkward, but like idk...the thought is always still there :/

    hope ur doing well, miss talking to you

  2. Yeah, I can see how that might be awkward.

    The good news is that you can be sporty and manly and still have a boyfriend. You just have to do it and not care what anyone else thinks. There are loads of non-gay gay people out there for you.

  3. Man so not wierd. Your feeling are more common than you realize. I myself being one that so totally relates. I am not attracted to fems either. Give me a manly man anyday. Give me a guy that rides a bike, likes to camp. But knows how to be ok with being gay. That is harder said then done. Just me don't have any issues with fems at all. Just not what drawls me in. Have some that are fems but see them as friends not boyfriends. Thanks for taking the time on this one. Lee

  4. Another wordsmith!

    Dunno what to say, but I think I understand the feelings. It's not easy to act as if things never happened, but sometimes it's better that way. If you had been able to stay in regular contact with those people, other experiences would have buried the ones of the distant past.

  5. yeah that can be pretty awkward.. although if i were in that situation, i guess i'd probably act like it hasn't happened. I have a feeling that most people will be that way too, haha.

    but yeah its' not weird about your 2-lives thing and wanting them to overlap. its a tough thing, us having to hide a part of ourselves. give it time, I guess?

    I sorta had to chuckle when i read TheDreamer's description of your type of a guy -- a "non-gay gay guy", haha. so will he be gay or not? lol :P

    Take care


  6. Trust me, everybody remembers everything, even if it's not brought up.

    I can't say I like flamers either - it just doesn't work for me. Not that I'm a total jock either, but I do like doing adventurous stuff, work out, and I have my favorite teams. So basically I go for cool guys, and it turns out that a number of them are into sports in one way or another, but certainly not all - some are more thoughtful, idk, and I dig that as well. And while I do like the occasional random chick once in a while, I prefer guys, particularly those who take care of themselves - which many sportslovers seem to have neglected.

  7. wow, that's awkward. especially with the father around, that makes it even worse. i think if i was in that situation i would act like nothing ever happened and find someone else to talk to or text, haha.

  8. Wow, I can only imagine how awkward that was. But it was funny to read, so thanks for sharing. :)

    As for your wish to have a bf, it does make sense. Who wouldn't want that?

    Today I cashed a check too, just 60€ 'though. -.-

  9. Dude... I so get how you feel x10...

    I am a straight acting bi guy... I love boys and girls... tenderness and roughness... music and sports... My life is just a series of contradictions...

    But somehow thats what makes me me... and why I am special and unique... and you know what? your own battles and stuff make you such a special person as well... (well that and your awesome hair... lol)

  10. echo echo echo

    The point is that these images of sporty and jock vs empathetic and sensitive DO overlap-- you (and much of the rest of the world) are convinced that they shouldn't and so it makes you unjustly feel awkward. I am so much more comfortable with myself now than I was at 17-18-- so Im not saying that i dont know what you mean. i get it exactly-- and cross my fingers that sooner rather than later you are able to do whatever you need to do (get a bf, feel comfortable with your actual persona instead of feeling pressure to conform to some unreal stereotype, etc.) so that you can be happy.

    I think AJ said it mest: "but somehow thats what makes me me... and why I am special and unique". This is 10000% true. If we all didn't bleed outside the lines of the silly machismo male or other stereotypes- the world would be a pretty boring place, no? Just be brave and put yourself above all those other fuckers that want to force you to be something you're not.


    P.S. What is this awesome hair everyone keeps talking about?