Sunday, May 10, 2009


So prom was last night.  I didnt really want to go because im not dating anyone, but my one friend Ann talked me in to going with another one of my friends, Jill.  We were just going as friends, but i got the feeling that she wanted it to be more.  So we went to dinner, it was ok i guess.  then we got to the dance.  I was enjoying myself and i saw aaron with his date, some girl Sarah, who is pretty nice and i like her.  I would be upset if aaron had taken someone else, but hes known her for along time, like since they were little kids, and they were just going as friends as well.  So he comes over and gives me a hug, and then went off to dance.  So we all talked for a while then we went out to dance.  (pokerface by lady gaga is the shit)  So we were dancing and i was having a good time until i saw aaron and sarah dancing really close.  Like how a couple would dance.  So i stopped dancing.  It felt like someone had reached down my throat and ripped my heart out, stomped on it and laughed in my face.  So i went to the bathroom and threw up.  I didnt cry.  It took all my strength not to but i made damn sure i didnt cry.  It took me a good 10 minutes to collect myself.  It was really hard.  So i went back out and drank a lot of punch.  I think someone may have like spiked it because after each glass i started to feel better and better.  So i just tried my best to enjoy the rest of the night and to ignore aaron as much as i could.  

So prom was over, and we went to Anns house for an after party.  I was pretty depressed and shit and people were like whats wrong and i was just like meh.  So aaron calls me up and asks if he and sarah can join our after party because his fell apart.  So im like ill talk to Ann thinking she would say no because we had already turned a bunch of people down.  But she said yea sure.  I really didnt want him there.  So they eventually show up and we all sitting im sitting at a table we all end up sitting and talking for like 3 hours.  I tried so hard to just forge the whole thing.  And i pretty much did.  I was cracking jokes and saying shit.  I had people on the floor laughing.  I think it was a combination of all the punch and how tired i was.  But aaron was paying more attention to me than sarah, which was something i guess.  So they left to go to some other party thing around 4 and the rest of us ended up staying up till like 7.  Then we went to bed for 2 hours then woke up and had breakfast, and right after i went home.

Im tired of this.  I really just want him out of my life.  I want to be done with him.  I keep thinking that him going to some far away college is gonna be the best thing to happen to me.  I really need college to start.  I need a fresh start.  The whole night i was just looking at couples holding hands and kissing, and i was all alone.  Thats all ive ever really been.  All alone.  And the one person who i want to spend the rest of my life with, doesnt feel the same way.  Im a fucking faggot, and i despise myself for it.  


  1. My hope for you is that you will one day soon wake up to the possibility of all that life has to offer -- including a life full of love from someone who loves you back whose name isn't Aaron. When you believe that to be possible, it will happen.

  2. Dan

    It sounds like a tough nite for you but now you can move forward to college and all it may have to offer

    take care and be safe


  3. Sounds like a pretty rough night Dan and I'm sorry it didn't turn out better. All I can offer is that as you move forward in life you will have new experiences that open up parts of the world you can't even dream about today. New places, new experiences and most importantly new people will enter your life and make it better every day. Face forward and keep your eyes open, seize every opportunity placed in front of you and I promise you will never want to look back.

  4. Sounds like an awful night but at least it's over now.

    I agree that getting away from Aaron is what you need. Seeing a boy you want with a girl hurts doubly for us gay boys, since the object of your affection not only doesn't want you currently but also never will.

  5. *hugs*

    I'm sorry buddy... having a crush on a straight guy sucks... it does

    You cant always control who you love dude... and it hurts when the other person doesnt love you.

    But this isnt a gay thing only... lots of guys fall for girls who arent into them sexually... and vis versa... its a love thing.

    In reality this has less to do with you being gay than it does with how love sucks sometimes.

    I really wish I could just give you a big hug and tell you everything will be ok...

    Love you buddy and I hope you feel better.


  6. I can tell you from experience that what the previous commenters have said about college, new experience, etc. are true. There is cause for optimism. Stay strong.

  7. Things could be a lot worse sweetie.

    And things can always get better.

    You'll be okay. I promise. :)


  8. College is definitely something to look forward to with regard to meeting new friends and possibly (or more likely: probably) lovers, boyfriends etc.

    It's going to be difficult to get over your feelings toward Aaron, but do you really want him out of your life? In time your feelings toward him WILL change, but we can all only benefit from having true friends. Don't discard him simply because he doesn't love you in the same way that you love him! Just think on the positive things about your relationship... the joy of spending time with somebody you love, the elation etc. that you have felt... because of him! Does he deserve to be ignored, tossed aside or even forgotten? After all... he's done nothing wrong. He was honest with you about his feelings, that's all!

    Sorry to sound preachy, but I just don't think we have enough real friends in our lives that we can afford to lose them due to our own selfishness. Shit, there I go again... sorry!!

    I'm really not having a go at you Dan, I'm just trying to open your eyes to a different perspective (and probably failing. Lol).

    Anyway, god bless and take care,

  9. I agree man.. Aaron sounds like your best friend.. but it's hard as hell to deal with being friends with someone when there is love and lust to contend with as well. I've been in love with several of my good friends over the years.. in fact I used to call it 'the disease' lol.. and I can honestly say that those have been the hardest things in my life to deal with emotionally.. by far. But every time ends the same and these are the people I'm still closest with today. Feelings fade and true friendship will prevail.. Guaranteed. Don't fuck it up, you can do it.