Tuesday, May 19, 2009

deep

So ive been thinking a lot about life and my future and stuff.  Im done with highschool in 2 days and it just got me thinking.  Thinking about my future, my past, what i wanna do with my life.  Its just all coming up so fast.  Like, I still dont know what i want to do for a profession.  Thats something i need to figure out soon.  And my love life.  Like I really want to have a son, and be the most kick ass dad in the world.  I wanna be able to take him to football games and coach his little league bass ball team and teach him how to throw a football or how to always be a gentleman.  I wanna teach him about the birds and the bees.  I wanna teach him the ways of life.  But i wouldnt want to have a boyfriend.  Id want a wife.  Id want a normal family to raise my son.  But i dont like girls.  So yeah it sucks.  Its probably never gonna happen unless i like, adopt.  But i dont want to adopt.  I want my own kid.  Which really cant happen unless  all of a sudden I become straight, which isnt gonna happen.  Theres just so much shit about life that sucks.  I dont wanna leave Aaron.  I dont wanna leave my friends.  I dont want to grow up.  

sorry if it sounded like i was whining.  its just all this stuff has been whirling around in my head for a while and i guess today it all came crashing through.  Idk.     

17 comments:

  1. i totally get what ur saying...

    Thats how I am too. I want a kid (a son preferably) and a wife and to live happily ever after. I guess cuz im bi it could potentially happen, but like I know i like guys a lot more than girls and it just sucks.

    I am adopted so don't rule that out, its not always a bad thing and other than not having him your biological son, nothing else would really be different.

    The only thing is that I dont wanna raise my son with two dads, like i dunno that just doesnt seem right...he needs a mom! I guess I could be an awesome single dad, but I dont wanna be alone!

    Trust me, i feel ur pain here :-/ it sucks.

    Leaving HS is hard, i remember i was scared shitless. It is comforting to know that you can still keep in contact with your friends, like with texting/calls/email/facebook/myspace/stalking.

    Plus theres the summers back at home which are always something to look forward to!

    Sorry for writing so much, I guess I just have been thinking a lot about all this too lately, and idk its rough for ppl like us...

    But i love u and dont forget it :)

    Landyn <333

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  2. After the fear of leaving high school comes anticipation, excitement, elation. It was the greatest time in my life. Time to reinvent yourself outside the glare of your parents. You can be anything, go anywhere, do whatever you want. I probably can't comment about the family aspect, as I have one and it is pretty amazing, but there's a part of me I lost in the process of making the family I have. Some of that story is on my blog, more to come as I get it sorted out in my head.

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  3. Yes, I remember those thoughts too.

    You don't have to have all of your life figured out in the next 2 days. You just need to know what you're going to do tomorrow.

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  4. I *still* have those thoughts about having a child, but for me it's too late now. I could've chosen to go down the route of marrying and starting a family, but I chose not to. It simply wouldn't have been fair on my family... but especially not fair to me! I like to think I would have been a wonderful dad and the biggest regret in my life is the fact that I don't have any children. If I was a fair bit younger I most definitely would adopt a child, either with a partner (male) or on my own. It's legal in the UK for gay singles/couples to adopt now, so YAY!

    I'm not judging others that have got married and had children, because I know how hard it is to conform to peer-pressure and a million other reasons. It must be extremely difficult for them. Not only are they *still* in the closet, living life as a straight man and having to quell their gay feelings/urges, but they also have to consider the possible pain/humiliation they would cause their wife and children (let alone their parents, their siblings and themselves)if they ever did come-out! So, be sure you consider all the possible implications before entering into a marriage of convenience.

    Anyway, just take one day at a time. Some days you'll wake up and certain things will suddenly be clear... small steps!

    Take care,
    Col

    ps. I mean no disrespect to anybody, so please don't bite my head off! :)

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  5. I want a son too :(

    Yeah it would be really weird to be raised with two dads, but it happens I guess. I dunno. I have to think about it more.

    hugs

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  6. i so wanted what your are saying. wife, kid, house with white picket fence, ect... a normal life. but then i had to ask what is normal for me. that was not it.

    there are ways to have your own kid (cost a lot, but it can be done) or adopt. (it will be coming to your state soon i hope)

    no matter what i think the most important thing is to be true to yourself. the rest has a way of working out.

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  7. DAN I POSTED A COUPLE OF DAYS AGO ABOUT MY SON I HAVE A REAL LIFE SON WHO LOOKS JUST LIKE ME. MAYBE IT WILL HELP TO KNOW WHAT YOU'RE NOT MISSING.
    HTTP;//PATHFINDER1968.BLOGSPOT.COM
    ie; FATHERS AND SONS

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  8. OH BY THE WAY CONGRATS TO THE GRAD. " LIFE IS WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU WHEN YOU ARE MAKING OTHER PLANS" YOUR CAREER WILL MOSTLY BE DETERMINED BY WHAT DOORS ARE OPENED TO YOU. AT THIS POINT IN TIME YOUR WORLD IS TO SMALL TO KNOW WHAT YOU REALLY LIKE AND CAN DO AND WHAT IS REALLY OUT THERE FOR YOU. EDUCATION IS ONLY A PROCESS OF CHANGE HAVE A GREAT SUMMER AND HAPPY HUNTING.

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  9. Isn't it interesting that we all want sons? I think its because we feel we can relate better to guys. Would you want a daughter? I think I would like kids as well, and as much as it pains me to admit- I would not be comfortable in a 'two dads' situation. Not so much for me, but because I wouldn't want the child to suffer.

    Listen the first couple years right out of college are by far the most important in your entire life. You have to figure out exactly what you want to be doing for at least the next few decades probably (if you actually want to make money that it). I know so many people that messed about, not going to school, just bouncing from paycheck to paycheck. You can't let that happen-- love life is important, but I really believe it should be second to finding an occupation/vocation that can allow you to lead the kind of life you want to lead.

    I hope you do well.

    Steve

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  10. It's simple. Adopt me. I've already had the Mum side of things but i'm still missing a Dad. :)

    Oh i forgot about the incest thing. I'd seduce you. Damnit lol

    much love

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  11. Dan

    I always known what you mean and it does suck. But like landyn said adoption is a real option. I wish i was happy being gay but its not something that fits into that 2 car and white picket fence dream

    congrats on graduating hope all is well

    take care and be safe

    bob

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  12. As always, I wind up commenting way after the fact, darnit.

    Thats a whole lot of emotions, fears, excitement - all going through your head at once. I think I saw someone say - your don't need to figure out your entire life tomorrow. Just realize you are moving on to the next phase of your life, and embrace what changes it will bring, as you mature and continue your lifes journey.

    That sounds hokey. Sorry.

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  13. I wish I could have a kid with you :)

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  14. I, too, wish we had a human son, as opposed to the two four-legged ones we already have. If we were younger and in a better position financilly to do it, I would.

    You can have "your own kid" via a surrogate mother. In fact, I read a couple of years ago about an agency started specifically to match gay male wannabe-dad couples with surrogates. And, yes, there's adoption. My sister is adopted and she's just as much my sister than she would be if we shared DNA.

    Going the "straight route" just to have a child isn't fair to anyone, really. You'd have a wife who probably wonders why you're distant and not very physical and you'd have children growing up in that atmosphere. It's better for a child to be raised by two parents that love each other and to see that affection. Even though my parents are one of those bizarre mixed couples (boy/girl), I learned a lot about love by catching them smooching on a regular basis. Sure, it was embarrassing but I also got to see how couples should ideally show their affection for each other.

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  15. Hey, I know how that feels. And I know it hurts every time, and it's in the back of your mind all the time. It's tough. I really enjoy reading your blog, and this is the first time I commented it but I think it's time I did so. Anyway, I also linked your blog to mine.

    I'll comment more tomorrow,
    Jonathan.

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  16. u can have a son and he can have 2 dads and no big deal. really. happens a LOT. If u want it. San Francisco is where its almost common. Other large cities too.

    If we can have a black prez u can have a son and a husband. Times have changed. If you really want it u can do it. I know lots of gay dads with young children. They have support groups. Find one and ask to just sit in and listen. I've seen blogs too.

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