Saturday, June 20, 2009

dont know anymore

life is too fucking complicated. i just dont know anymore. Like, this aaron thing is really getting to me. last weekend i didnt sleep at all. i just fucking dont know anymore. falling for your best friend blows big time. Ive been thinking a lot about it and i think i know what my problem is. Me, being the stupid fuck that i am, considers aaron to be my boyfriend, which is why i get jealous and get upset when he doesnt touch me and stuff. And i need to fucking realize that hes not my boyfriend. And when i finally realize that, ill be better. But im never gonna realize that, because i love him too much. UGHHHHH. whatevs.

i look back at my life a few years ago and it dawns on me. Im not what i used to be. Ive changed over the years, and i wish i hadnt. Deep down i wish i had never met aaron in the first place. I hate to say it but its true. i hate him.

sorry about this sad post. ive been feeling down for a week now and im just in a bad place.

later

10 comments:

  1. Dan you know if I could I would make it all go away. I wish I could talk you out of loving him. I don't know that you've changed, I like to think your still the Dan I've loved and cared about for these past years. It hurts me to see you hurting and so believe me I want to help. Oh and by the way I really miss talking to you, it's been hard with work but I heard Dreams on my iPod the other day and it made me think of you. Yeah but just remember I love you and it will be alright.

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  2. I really know this feeling. I had a really similar experience in high school/college with one of my straight friends. Its a bad hurt-- I remember just driving around for hours trying to convince myself to stop caring and that what I wanted things to be just would never happen. But it didn't matter we can't control our thoughts and emotions as much as we would expect I suppose.

    Just thinking about it makes me hurt right now. If its any consolation, I did get over my feelings (to a point). I still have a big place in my heart for the person I am referring to, but I don't have the longing/love feelings like I used to. We moved away from each other, so it was really an out of site, out of mind. I think you mentioned that you two might go to different colleges? As much as that might hurt right now-- it might be for the best. You seem like a great guy; you deserve to have a relationship with someone who can reciprocate your feelings for them. As I said before-- this is easier said than done of course, and these words don't really help how you feel right now.

    *pat on back*

    Much Love,
    Steve

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  3. *hugs*

    Miss u buddy...

    Peace,
    AJ

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  4. from a complete stranger, it probably doesn't mean much, but I've been there too.. it's most definitely the hardest thing I've ever dealt with in my life.. But it will pass, and it IS possible to be best friends with someone you have loved so much.. The one person that has hurt me the most in my life is still the best friend I've ever had.. It takes some [very] hard work, and certainly a shift in your thought process, but it is possible! Don't give up what you DO have with him just because you can't have him in the way you want..
    .. and it is true.. sometimes absence does make the heart grow fungus.. being away from each other will help those feelings fade, but don't throw away your friendship.

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  5. Well I suppose i've had a similar experience twice now in my life. I feel for my best friend near the beginning of Uni really hard and it messed with me. I got jealous of the attention he gave girls and desperately wanted his touch.

    I have to say tho that letting go of him was one of the best things that happened to me. i couldn't spend time with him without getting hurt and was always depressed. Luckily he studdied abroad early on in Uni and I lost my feelings for him during his absence. we were still friends tho when he got back.. things just cooled off (tho not as good of friends)

    i still am there too with Aaron... I really didn't learn my lesson about falling for straight guys, and it sucks.. i'm actualy not sure what i'm gonna do about my sit, time will tell i suppose

    I agree with steve tho u seem like a really great guy and deserve someone who will reciporicate ur feelings.

    hang in there bud, if you ever wanna drop me aline feel free to

    much love
    Jordo

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  6. You say you hate aaron. Do you really? Or maybe you hate the way your relationship with him is/isn't developing.

    If you and he will be going to different colleges in the fall, all you have to do is hang in there for another couple of months. I agree with Steve, Dude, and Jordo. It won't always feel the way it does right now, and separation will help; but you can still have him for a friend, and probably be glad you do, once your feelings cool off.

    But right now it really hurts, and there's really no way to fast forward your feelings. So hang in there until it gets better. It will.

    *hugs*

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  7. Nawwwww.

    *pouncehugs*

    I'm sorry things aren't great, but that's just life. There are individual struggles for all of us which we must overcome.

    When life is getting you down, you gotta remember, things could be worse, much worse.

    You'll be okay.

    *many loves*

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  8. Oooh- you got the coveted *pouncehugs* from MB, which makes me giggle every time, because it's just adorable :)

    See you can't feel bad now!

    This comment has not contributed to this discussion at all.

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  9. Look, everyone has been there, and everyone got through it too - friends or more. Like Mirrorboy said, it could so much worse, and those feelings you feel, be glad you have them because they can be some of the best in the world. Aaron is one of those friends you want to have for the rest of your life.

    Jonathan.

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  10. O.o bit of an odd reaction isnt it, you hate him? I doubt that very much, I think it more the fact that he occupies so much of your thoughts, thats what you hate not him.

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