Tuesday, April 28, 2009

i feel like shit

had a pretty bad day.  It started off fine, but aaron......ugh.    We were in class and we were just talking and he brings up how he decided to go to some college far away.  He was going to go to one close to mine, but he changed his mind.  When he told me, my heart broke into pieces.  i was so upset.  I just put my head in my hands and was just not good.  I almost cried.  He could tell i was upset but i just ignored him.  He even asked if i was ok, and i just didnt say anything.  

It affected the rest of my day.  I couldnt play basketball, i couldnt concentrate in any other classes.  I felt so upset. I FEEL so upset.  I hate this.  Ive loved him for 4 years.  4 fucking years of my life have been devoted to him.  and hes just leaving me.  

I hate him for being him.  I hate myself for loving him.  I hate being fucking gay.  I hate everything.  ugh

Ill write the history thing when i feel up to it.  might be a while.  I promise ill finish tho.

i just need to sleep this shit off.  im so depressed.  

at least ill always have steely dan.  This song makes me feel a bit better.


  1. Oh nooooooo D: D:

    If only you live closer I would comfort you :)


  2. Dan

    sorry to hear this and we all have bad days. And being gay can be so hard at times buddy i know how you feel.

    hey i linked you to my blog i just began

    take care and be safe, hugs


  3. Dan I'm sorry. I know there isn't anything I can say, but I'm always here. God I'm really sorry. I just don't know. I would say let's talk, but I know I don't help much.

  4. Hey Dan.
    Wow, seems like I just found your blog within like the last week or so. And I never seem to have commented on it. So like - very belated happy birthday. And um.... right.

    I've caught up to speed now with the older posts. This is a long comment, I apologize.

    Wow. You have got one heck of a confusing situation going on with Aaron!!! I'm confused just hearing it, you must be totally lost. So from what I can gather you've never actually done anything sexual with him right? Its just sort of been this incredible, touchy-feely, closeness bonding? That's perhaps even worse than just going all the way - never really "knowing" where you stand.
    You mention you have been touchy, cuddley, etc - have you ever actually DISCUSSED this in a serious way with Aaron? Or that everyone else seemed to notice - how did you explain it?

    Anyway, I hope you can keep giving us more information about the whole situation.

    And that brings me up to this post. I'm very sorry to hear that he will be leaving you. It seems like you had some idea he might, a couple weeks ago in one of your other posts. That really sucks though - whether he is just an ultra-best-friend, or something more. Going off to college can shatter relationships.

    Just thinking of that, perhaps you really ought to find out where you stand, and clarify things between you. Because, if for some reason you never wind up keeping in contact with him, you don't want to be left regretting that "you never knew what might have been" or something.

    Some of the other bloggers on here have gone through some similar issues - there are many stories of heartbreak and disappointment, but also sometimes things help and help you move forward in life.

    Anyway, I've totally rambled now. Sorry.

  5. I'm sorry that happened to you. My hope is that you will some day awaken to all the possibilities life still has to offer.

  6. That must really hurt.

    Going different places after high school or after college is one of the things that happen to a lot of people. But it can really be upsetting. Some people do manage to keep in contact and maintain their friendship even when it becomes long distance. So he won't necessarily be completely out of your life.

    Do what you can to keep in touch. But also take advantage of the opportunity college gives you to meet new people and make new friends.

  7. Oh honeyyyy.

    I'm sorry. That sucks so bad. D:

    You has my lovehugs and lovesnuggles.

  8. I am not really sure if you and Aaron are in a relationship [I am waiting for the Aaron saga to continue lol] but I am going to assume you two are in a relationship.

    And if my assumptions are correct, I give this:

    If your love is real, distance is nonsense. Your guys love can endure anything.

    However, I should note that your life is young. And there are many people in the world. I am not suggesting you break up, but just remember that.

    This is not the end of the world, but rather an opportunity try something new.

  9. From one Dan to another - I'm sorry to hear that - the split of friends and relationships when everyone heads to college is very rough - some real friends may remain but others will drift. The good news - hundreds and hundreds of new and interesting faces await you! Take what you have learned from your time with Aaron and really make something of it in your future. He may even be a part of it - you never know.

  10. I almost forgot (I hate two write two comments - SORRY!) - my advice - tell him how you feel! Maybe not everything - but at least let him know that you're disappointed you guys are going to be farther apart. Don't make him guess - it will do you both good to talk about it even if you don't confess all of your feelings.

  11. Damn dude, i'm sorry

    I've been there tho... we definitely can't control who we love.

    i can see what you're saying about hating everything right now... but hang in there bud

    you're an awesome guy and this world's got good in it yet for you...

    much love


  12. Hey Dan,
    A year ago I was right where you are; it really sucks. After the initial shock wears off, its important to remember that real friends remain close not matter how far or how often you see one another. It also makes the holidays and vacations more special.

    We can't help who we love but we can control what we do with that love.

  13. Hey Dan,

    dude, I'm so sorry to hear that. *hugs*

    I totally agree with goleftatthefork on this. If you feel this strongly about him, you need to talk to him. You don't need to tell him everything, but you can at least tell him how you feel about his decision.

    Talk to him. You'll regret it if you don't, trust me.


  14. From what you've written about Aaron, I gather that he's not aware of your romantic feelings for him. As much as it's going to hurt, it may actually be better for the two of you to be farther apart. I mean, if there's no chance of romance, he'll be, at least somewhat, out of the picture, and it'll be easier for you to lose your fixation on him and be more open to starting a relationship with a boy who wants the same.

    That being said, I hope I don't sound like I'm belittling your sadness. My heart goes out to you.

  15. Listen to all these people, telling you everything I've told you for years. Haha, you'll do what's best for you I'm sure, you're strong enough.

    Much loves


  16. I don't know what to say. I can imagine how you feel, it is sad really sad, but at least you will see that it will be better while times goes. I know when I thought that I will never forgot D, and one day feeling finally disappeared, like it appeared. Don't ruin your friendship right now, be his friend as much as you can and you'll see even if he goes away, you can still be great friends and maybe even boyfriends, if he's gay...

  17. I hope you're feeling somewhat better today Dan. I guess when you heard that about the college you felt that your future had just been stolen away from you. I would have too. And for him not to have already told you, or even talked about it with you. Betrayed?

    Ok, I don't know if that's how you felt. But that's how I felt when a similar thing happened to me. But, I was gay and he wasn't so there was no future for us anyway. Don't know if Aaron's gay yet so there could still be a future, regardless of where he goes to college!

    Take care,