well i hung out with some friends last night, and tyler was one of them. but me being me, i fucking wimped out. fuck i hate myself. its like when im alone, all i want to do is tell him and to fucking be with him, but when im actually with him, i stall. ugh.
so it was me and 2 other friends and he came over, and at first it was kinda awkward. like idk. but it got me thinking. hes gay. im gay. i read gay blogs. maybe he does too. and if he does, then maybe hes come across mine. it kinda got me really nervous.
But after a while of playing monopoly, things got normal. we had a great time. At some point he was like "i smell degree deodorant" and im like "i wear degree" and he was like "thats what my ex boyfriend used to wear." haha that made me happy. so we got some food and drove around. we even sat really close on the couch. And he was wearing shorts and his legs just looked soooo yummy. And when i got home, i was in the shower and i was thinking about him, and i involuntarily licked my lips. haha. im falling pretty hard here. kinda scary. Like, porn doesnt even interest me anymore. i cant fucking jack off. its been like 3 days, which is really long for me. fuck.
i mean shit, i BARELY FUCKING KNOW HIM!!!! how can i be sooo hung up on this one boy? and i just cant see myself just up and asking him out. if i knew him better sure, but i mean.....idk. probably just one of my lame excuses.
and another thing. if i was to ask him out, i would more than likely have to come out of the closet. and idk if im ready for that yet. fuck i should be. fuck im such a pussy. idk. life is sooooo fucking hard. fuck fuck fuck.
o well. ill figure it out. and tyler, if u do read this, lemme know. PLEASE!!!! call me or something. eric has my number. text me and say "strange weather isnt it?" that will be our code.
haha if that works, i will be soooo happy.
ok well sorry for that. my mind is not with me tonight. im lost in love.
8 years ago