well i hung out with some friends last night, and tyler was one of them. but me being me, i fucking wimped out. fuck i hate myself. its like when im alone, all i want to do is tell him and to fucking be with him, but when im actually with him, i stall. ugh.
so it was me and 2 other friends and he came over, and at first it was kinda awkward. like idk. but it got me thinking. hes gay. im gay. i read gay blogs. maybe he does too. and if he does, then maybe hes come across mine. it kinda got me really nervous.
But after a while of playing monopoly, things got normal. we had a great time. At some point he was like "i smell degree deodorant" and im like "i wear degree" and he was like "thats what my ex boyfriend used to wear." haha that made me happy. so we got some food and drove around. we even sat really close on the couch. And he was wearing shorts and his legs just looked soooo yummy. And when i got home, i was in the shower and i was thinking about him, and i involuntarily licked my lips. haha. im falling pretty hard here. kinda scary. Like, porn doesnt even interest me anymore. i cant fucking jack off. its been like 3 days, which is really long for me. fuck.
i mean shit, i BARELY FUCKING KNOW HIM!!!! how can i be sooo hung up on this one boy? and i just cant see myself just up and asking him out. if i knew him better sure, but i mean.....idk. probably just one of my lame excuses.
and another thing. if i was to ask him out, i would more than likely have to come out of the closet. and idk if im ready for that yet. fuck i should be. fuck im such a pussy. idk. life is sooooo fucking hard. fuck fuck fuck.
o well. ill figure it out. and tyler, if u do read this, lemme know. PLEASE!!!! call me or something. eric has my number. text me and say "strange weather isnt it?" that will be our code.
haha if that works, i will be soooo happy.
ok well sorry for that. my mind is not with me tonight. im lost in love.
Goodbye
14 years ago
Intense crushes can be stress city!
ReplyDeleteTake a deep breath . . .
If you're not ready, you're not ready; don't beat yourself up. You're not a wimp. There are bloggers here in their 40s and up who still haven't come out and others in their early/mid teens who have. Everyone is different.
It's easy to get hung up on a boy. It happened with me a few times before I came out and it was absolutely debilitating. You at least have the bonus of knowing Tyler's gay. I had no way of really knowing with the most intense crush of them all. I still don't know and I haven't seen him since you were in diapers and not eating solid foods yet.
Asking him out does not mean you'd have to come out. Well, to him you would, of course.
:-P
No one else need know, though. It's not like you have to announce to your friends, "I am a homosexual and I am dating Tyler." Of course, Tyler being out might mean he won't go out with a boy who's not. That sounds bad but it might prompt you to come out a bit more. You've told two people so far and the world hasn't ended. Unless I'm dead and just imagining I'm typing this, that is.
*sigh* Welcome to my world Dan. I'm the mayor of stall city.
ReplyDeleteSometimes it feels like I need someone to hold my hand though all this dating crap cause I'm no good.
However, I want to see the confident Dan in all of this! I want to see the Dan that doesn't back down from nothing.
Question though: does Aaron know Tyler? Maybe he could help you out? I know that's almost kind of sick and twisted in a way but because Aaron knows your gay he can be a middle man of sorts...
Just an idea.
I still love yah though.
Dan
ReplyDeleteWell if tyler is cool about it I dont think you have to come out of the closet just to meet him and get to know him. I mean he will understand and hey its just getting to know him.
If something develops and you want to come out then well ok but once again focus on getting to meet him does he have a face book thing isnt that how you all say hi now a days
anyways good luck Dan and hey you are close now and i understand how you feel :)
take care and be safe
bob
Dan you make me all giddy for you! Yes its stressful, but its fun too-- I mean being in love (or crush or whatever) is fun. It makes us feel alive.
ReplyDeleteWhat would be the fallout of people knowing you are gay? I mean is it going to be really bad or probably not really matter? Remember you only have x number of days left-- so if things go south, you know it can't be bad for long.
You have to at least tell him you're gay, and then just see where it goes--
(a) you WILL regret it if you don't; I promise that
(b) how many other opportunities like this are you going to have soon?
(c) if nothing else, you will make a good friend out of it, but...
(d) you're really cute, right? Or at least you've implied as much here-- so you both have penises, right? I'm sure he's into you too-- no reason to act like a bunch of women :-)
Just text him or something and tell him you want to chat. We're cheering you on buddy!
Steve
yah, it's hard like that. you'll have courage eventually.
ReplyDeletebut yah, life rarely works in such a way that the man you want just happens to read your blog, does all the initiating, and takes all the fear away.
who knows, maybe he's as afraid to ask you out as you are to ask him.
but really, what's the worst that can happen? imagine it. then imagine you having the strength to get through it. deep down you know you can handle it. it's just your protective psyche that's keeping you scared.